TANIMAL HOUSE

Whose Feet Are Weirder?

2007-09-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

Behold the toe jam of Battylicious and Boo Bear. Now, Battylicious' are small and squished; Boo Bear has the biggest toe anyone has ever seen (notice the poor penny that's about to be consumed by the giantness of Big Toe). But who's are weirder? Decide by taking the poll (left) <—

Tanimal House Regrets...

2007-09-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

...to say that Chimp is not entirely at fault for "screwing the futon to death" (see Sept. 25 post). The death of chartreuse futon may have been instigated by Hot Dog, a former Tanimal House inhabitant, who lost her V-card on it. Though, even she contests, "It was a different mattress!" Here is how virginity futon came to live in the Tanimal House...

Friday the 13th, 2000
Hot Dog is in love.
She and, let's call him, Mountain Goat lose their V-cards to each other.
But wait, what's that noise?
Why, it's her neighbor playing "Entertainer" on the piano.
Ragtime two-step: so Hot. Bothered.
The futon tips over.
Twice.

Nice. And Hot Dog has never been able to part with Virginity Futon since—even though she is now an adult. And adults sleep in beds. Not futons. When Hot Dog moved to Brooklyn, she inherited another futon (god knows why the previous tenant had one), but deemed the mattress unf#$%able. So she swapped mattresses. That is how Tanimal House inherited chartreuse futon. And Chimp could have his way with women on it.

Note to Chimp, from Hot Dog: "Those screws can't take much bouncing around on."

Something to think about.

Suspicious Tanimal House Activity

2007-09-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

Found on Battylicious' bedside table: 200 smackers with a note that says "I'll NEVER forget you." Now, what is THIS about? Your guess is as good as mine. Fill in the blank: This Tanimal House inhabitant is a ______________

Frivolous, Yet Necessary

2007-09-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Say hello to the newest Tanimal House inhabitants. They're measuring cups. Oh, and ducks. They were born in a store that takes all of my money. Damn you, Anthropologie!

They think the butcher's block is a pond. Stupid ducks.

The littlest one enjoys rimming.

Does This Futon Turn YOU On?

2007-09-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

What self-respecting girl would allow herself to get screwed on a chartreuse futon? Tell me! Not saying that I haven't gotten my fair share of ass on an aerobed, but that's beside the point. This futon is bright-you've-been-slimed-green! Well, except for that new mystery spot on the right. I have my guesses.

Because the Tanimal House sometimes—most times—doubles as a youth hostel, Battylicious' younger brother, Chimp, was subletting from us during the summer. First, one screw fell out of the bottom of the frame. And then another. And then another! Until we couldn't even fold it back in it's upright position because as Battylicious so rightly screamed at Chimp, "You screwed the futon! You screwed the futon to death!"

So let's imagine how Chimp lures his prey back to his futon-fueled lair, shall we?:

"Hey Tiger," Chimp ooh-ooh-ahh-ahhs.

"You're looking hairy," growls Tiger.

"Wait'll you see my banana," Chimp grins (with full gums), and then scratches.

"Is that right?" Tiger roars. "Actually, I prefer apples."

"Well, I've got something pretty close to a granny smith," Chimp farts.

"Really? Well, only if it's a futon," Tiger purrs.

"You, big pussy, are in luck," claps Chimp.